Tuesday, January 13, 2015

Sometimes You Just Need a Reset Button

One of the hardest ideas to get out of your head when you've lost a good bit of weight, especially when you are weight lifting, is that the number on the scale isn't a be all end all. That number has made me crazy my entire adolescent and adult life. That number has owned me, defined me (at least in my own head), and crushed me. I whittled away at it, and it got smaller only to grow again after I got married, had baby #1 and then later baby #2. I saw that number as a part of me, like a scarlet letter, I felt like everyone could see. Then I decided to show that number to the world (or at least to anyone who read this blog) over a year ago. It was scary and I hated it. I felt naked and exposed, but I knew that if I was going to change my mindset, I had to do something that made me uncomfortable.

I slowly over time worked on not letting that number have power over me, and in the last 22 months the number is smaller than it was in middle school, and guess what? That number still has power over me, just not everyday. I'm not going to tell you I don't check the scale, because I do. I check it and I get unhappy when it doesn't move down, but I'm working on it. Everyday I am working on it. Working to walk past the scale without stepping on. Working on letting how I feel in my skin and in my jeans tell me how I'm doing. There are days I fail and days I succeed and I'm OK with that. I am a constant work in progress and I'm OK with that too.

After Christmas and my birthday this year I felt sluggish and stuck. I hadn't been a total glutton over the holidays, but I hadn't been great either. I have worked hard to cut out most processed foods, so consuming them again during the holiday even in smaller amounts really drug me down. A blogger I follow Mama Laughlin (she's fantastic, you should check her out) has done this Advocare 10 day cleanse before and she said it had been a great reset button for her, and sometimes you just need a reset button. What I liked most about this was I can eat actual food the whole time. No processed sugars, no processed foods, no coffee (not in love with this part) but I can have REAL food. Lean protein, vegetables, fruits, healthy fats are all allowed. Add in a fiber drink on a few days and some supplements and you're good to go. I felt like this was a plan I could handle, especially for 10 days. It's not cheap to get the whole kit, but I've paid more for things I didn't need so I decided to invest some money in myself and my health this month. I'll give an official update a few days in, but so far (day 2.5) it hasn't been bad. The biggest struggle is mental. Knowing you can't have sweets, makes you crave them. Knowing you shouldn't eat off the kids dinner plates makes you want to. I'm fighting the mental roadblocks for sure, but they are just roadblocks (at least that's what I keep telling myself).

So to begin my cleanse, both physically and emotionally I have vowed to not step on the scale for the next ten days. That will be a pretty big accomplishment for me, but I think I can do it. Here is what my scale said when I stepped on it yesterday morning, and I haven't looked again since (at least up until the time I'm posting this.) Don't let your number define you, don't let it beat you, you are more than the total weight of your parts. I'll keep reminding you if you keep reminding me.

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